Tools

Tools

I received an email the other day from Aaron Samuels. He is a doctoral student at UCLA. He is a very smart guy, but as I have said before intelligence can go out the door once emotions start kicking in.

He asked "what are these concrete tools you promote?" What do you mean by "spirituality?" "I am Jewish, are you promoting religion?"

No, while I am a Christian, I promote spirituality, not religion. If you belong to a religion, that is good. You already have a higher power/God. But it is most certainly not a requirement.

However, I DO think that humans are physical beings having a spiritual experience. Our life's are so much better if we can turn things over to a higher power.

There was a time when I tried to play God. I had a plan and if only the world would get with my plan all would be good. I would work harder and harder, trying to control everything. But no one would get with my plan...it is no wonder I turned to drink.

I had to let go

I realized I could not run the show, I was an actor, not a director. I could not change the world, only myself, and the way I reacted to the world.

This view applied to women as well. I can't control them.

Women, the world, other people, places, and things. They are above my pay grade.

However I CAN change me. I can change the way I respond.

I can be on a date, I can be a gentlemen, I can be a challenge. I can limit discussion of my past girl friends. I can not ask her out for another date while on a date. I can be fun and funny. I can keep the date short. I can wait 3 days to call, not text (unless she texts me).

If she does text me I avoid back and forth and set the next date. She might wonder "why doesn't he text back and forth like all the other guys?" She may even ask you that question and you respond "I am just so darn busy, if you want to talk to me beautiful it has to be face to face."

I let go and turn all these things over. For those of you who do not have a higher power, try this: Create a "God of Dating," GD.

GD has good intentions for you. You just had the best date of your life with a gal you are crazy about. Put the crazy away, and turn it over to GD. Let him worry about her over the next 3 days. Focus your energies on something else. You are not running the show anymore. Let it Go. 

You only call the next day if you had sex with her.

We stick to the plan with ALL women. We treat them all the same, we adhere to the same principles.

In my program, you will constantly be hustling for phone numbers, and be dating 2-3 women (called a rotation) until the one you want asks you for exclusivity. When you think you found the one, you keep hustling other women until she asks for exclusivity. Then, and only then do you stop seeing others.

This tool prevents you from calling her to much, dating her multiple times per week, spending too much time on dates, obsessing over her. Focus on other women, focus on work, school, training.

I use another tool, and this tool is for everyone, not just in my interactions with women. Any tool I use to be less selfish is automatically a spiritual tool, in my book.

I try and put myself in the shoes of others. Lets say I am on my way to work. 3 lanes are merging into 2. I put my window down to ask a guy if I can merge in. He speeds up and cuts me off.

My first instinct is to get out and fight. Fortunately I do not do so, instead I put myself in his place. He did not cut me off because he hates me....he did so because he is late to work. His boss said he would be fired if he were late again.

Or, he is divorced and his wife has custody of his daughter. He sees her once a week. She said if he were late again he would have to come back next week. 

Once I understand, it makes things so much easier and simple. The next car lets me in and I will be a grand total of 20 seconds later.

Is it really worth it to fight over 20 seconds?

Another tool has to do with communication with someone you have been with for a while. We saw in the academic literature that women often picked "lack of communication," or "grown apart" as the reason they filed for divorce. This problem is very easy to solve if you are smart and disciplined.

WHEN WOMEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEIR DAY YOU LISTEN

Women have very different communication styles. For example, I am talking to my friend. I discuss how the new stereo in my car killed the alternator (problem). "What should I do?" My friend says "go to Houston Alternator and have them build one" (solution).

When men communicate they go into problem solving mode.

Women HATE that unless they are specifically asking for a solution. Women communicate differently. Lets say your wife is a manager. When she comes home at the end of her day, if normal she will want to talk about here "day."

My wife always wants to talk about firing people. I hate that. But you know what? I listen. I nod my head and pretend I am interested. More importantly I DO NOT go into problem solving mode. My wife already knows what she is going to do. Talking is her way of going over a decision she has already made. All I have to do is feign interest (nod my head a few times) listen, and not go into problem solving mode.

Guys, doing this ^ is absolutely critical. She will love you for it. She will brag to her friends about the wonderful communication the two of you have. She will grow closer to you.

Finally, what if she calls at the end of the day? If you pick up, she will probably want to talk about her day. I am usually very busy at that time of the day with someone has given me their hard earned cash, and I am sure as heck not going to take a call. I have a speed text saying "with client." That way everyone is happy. 

Clean up your side of the street

Whenever you have a problem with someone else, you are, if normal, completely focused on what they did wrong. That is usually as far as the blame goes. "You wronged me...it is your fault...why are you doing this to me?"

The focus is always on the other person. Very rarely does someone step back, look at the problem, and try and see their own role in the matter.

Lets say you are having a disagreement with someone. You are completely focused upon what they did wrong. And in fact, even if we step back and take an objective look at the problem, we see that 70% of the problem is the other person. 30% is our fault. Thus, they are the problem.

I suggest that you try this approach: Clean up your 30%. It does not matter what they did, because we cannot control others. We only control ourselves.

When you do this ^ miracles happen. Very often, the other side rights themselves and the problem disappears.

Poof

What if the other side does not clean up their 70%?

That is OK. You cleaned your side, you have done everything you can. Therefore you let it go. Turn it over, it is not your problem anymore.